User blog:Joeaikman/Recapping in Rap - Game of Thrones
What up guys! Now, I am sure you are all aware that it is about a week until Season 7 of Game of Thrones premieres. This is an attempt by me to recap the six previous seasons in a rap format! It is pretty long, due to all the plotlines in Thrones, and some plots and characters don't get a mention, but that is just the way it is! Hope you enjoy! Let's go - Three Black Brothers are out beyond the wall, The dead come to life and two of them fall, The other meets Neddard who takes his head, Ride home, find wolves, Jon Arryn is dead, The King arrives with his soldiers and his swords, Cersei bitches, Jaime laughs, Tyrion meets whores, Jon Snow with his uncle decides to go further north, Bran climbs, Lannisters bang, and Bran meets earth, Catelyn cries as her family leaves her all alone, “It should have been you.” That’s pretty harsh, bro, Needle gift to Arya, a parting present from her brother, Jon Snow gets promised answers about his mother Meanwhile in Pentos, the Targaryens plot for war, Viserys would let his sister be raped by a horse, Drogo rapes, Jorah switches sides, Dany is preggers, Viserys goes mad, and gets crowned King of Beggars, Daenerys is the last dragon, and her hubby got butt, Until his life is ended quick by an infected paper cut, He comes back from the dead, but to no end Drogo goes, as Daenerys kills him (Again???) Joff and Sansa ride, Arya loses her shit Joff beaten quick, “don’t touch me, bitch”, Ned arrives in the capital, Small Council meets, Ned reads a book about Baratheon genes, Arya trains with a Braavosi expert at swordplay “What do we say to the god of death? Not today!” Starks search for truth, Tyrion tried to kill Bran? Catelyn takes him prisoner, all part of Petyr’s plan, Tywin raids the Riverlands, I guess Beric is the answer! Because meanwhile Ned is meeting Robert’s bastards! Jon takes on his brothers at odds three to one! Tyrion teaches him compassion! Character growth: done! Sam arrives at Castle Black as fat as a piggy, Jon protects him though! Nah, it’s no biggy, Jeor sees promise, but Jon and Thorne have tension Journey beyond the wall to try and find Benjen Ned comes close, but is betrayed at the last minute, Varys convinces him its best if he says he did it, Joffrey goes rogue as the crowd jeer at Ned, So Sean Bean goes and loses his head! That’s season one, and so your balls don’t go blue, Kick off straight away with season number two! - Robb is now a monarch and is fighting wars, Arya’s a boy and is heading to the North, Jon’s beyond the Wall, Sandor stands tall! Whilst Tyrion is banging a real life whore! Joffrey is king with Robert and Ned now dead! His people aint fed, shows Sansa dad’s head! He’s not the only stag king! Stannis is introduced! With Davos and Mel, and a weird fetus room! Renly is crowned too, brothers come to bad blows! And despite Cat’s advice Renly is killed by a shadow! Loras wants revenge, but Baelish isn’t done yet! Marries Marge off to Joffrey to make Tyrells subjects! Stannis has more men, though! Cersei gonna burn it! Tyrion takes up the plan, but Tywin gets the credit! Just the first example of bad blood between Lannisters! Dany gets to Qarth, and then they nearly banish her! Xaro is her saviour! Dragons get stolen! Who’s at fault?! Wait, Xaro was bad?! Go and lock him up in his own vault! Have visions of the future, and burn another magician! Daenerys whines a lot, but still she gets all her shit done! Robb meets a hottie who comes from another continent! Fucks her then marries her! When is honour gonna compliment! No present from the Freys, then Uncle Edmure fucks up! Although Robb never told him, he bollocks him when he rocks up! Arya’s group is attacked, and their leader is dead then! Gendry and Arya are less strong than their sexual tension! Jon meets Craster, who is a right royal bastard, Fucks his daughter-wives with no thought for the afters! Sam meets Gilly, and thinks that he could get in, Murray may be knocked up, but she still shows Skins Qhorin roles up, and acts all badass, cool and appealing, Jon spoons Ygritte, and Qhorin gets that sinking feeling! Theon arrives home, acting a bit too rich, Gropes his sis, then finds out Daddy Greyjoy is a prick! Goes to Winterfell and takes the young Starks as his toys! Then gets pissed off when Osha makes it out with the boys! Gets betrayed by his men, everything is all wrong! Then it goes and turns out they were there all along! Arya’s mad bro, her plotline went by and not much happened! All men must die, though, and now she is set up for Jaqen! No mentions of Jaime, Brienne, Podrick or Bronn, see! Maybe their roles will be big enough to recap in season three! - ' ' Season three begins with carnage as battles take place! Davos under arrest, but makes friends with Lady Stoneface! Jon meets a whole new cast, their not wildings! Free Folk! So he shows off his Longclaw and Ygritte gives him a free poke! Jeor is no more, as Karl Tanner comes into play! Butchers brothers, but Sam and Gilly can get away! Tormund hates Thenns, and then finds out Jon betrays! Arya meets Thoros, and then sees Sandor’s burned face! Bran passes close, with Tonks, Anne Frank, and Ferb! Shares horror stories at the Wall, and then meets a nerd! He’s gotta go learn how to master his Professor X powers! Beric fight! Brotherhood cry! Beric survives! Arya glowers! Theon is playing Guess Who, with the added twist of being ravaged! Loses his cock, Ramsay eats! “Do you think I’m some sort of savage?” Roose’s bastard is a monster, setting up a new main villain! Theon begs for mercy, but Ramsay still won’t kill him! Speaking of Roose! Jaime and Brienne are now his prisoners! Jaime loses his swordhand, and then pines for his sister! Character development occurs when Jaime confesses in the bath! Then he gets freed, Phasma fights a bear, but Jaime comes back! Over at Pyke the Greyjoys get a present in a box, It’s a penis? Oh shit, Theon has had his cut off! Sansa and Tyrion marry! That freys tensions with Shae! And Varys tries to play the game and send her away! Gendry reaches a decision, leaves Arya all alone, And goes off to bone Mel on Dragonstone! Blood, leeches and Stannis, ain’t that a boner killer! Then row back home to get Davos some dinner! Edmure marries Anne Frey to right all his wrongs, Then Cat is tipped off of betrayal by a change of songs! Talisa is stabbed in the stomach after coming out as pregnant! Catelyn asks for Robb’s life, but Roose isn’t hesitant! Mother wolf screams a bit, and has her throat slit! Boy, I hope Roose and Walder drown in their own shit.... Back to the story! Joff is happy to hear that Robb is dead! Plots cruel things until Tywin sends him off to bed! Daenerys visits cities of slaves and then frees them all! Daario pines for her affections, with Barristan in a shawl! Wow, Season Three was full of action, death and gore, So let’s all man up for political thrills in Season Four! '-' Season Four! Arya and the Hound are now firm allies! They eat every fucking chicken then murder some guys! Oberyn arrives! He is a cocky, suave, Dornish rascal, Here for revenge! Played to perfection by Javier Pascal! He’s up here from Dorne for the royal wedding on the cards, The Lion and Rose united together as Joff marries Marge! There’s banter and strong words! Get books then destroy ‘em! Insult your uncle for his height and then get killed by poison! Okay, so Joff’s gone, but up in the North we have new baddies! Ramsay Psycho Bolton and his backstabby daddy! Thorne and Slynt try to kill Jon, but Aemon saves him, yo! Then there’s a battle! Fuck Olly! “You know nothing, Jon Snow…” Tormund is a prisoner and then Jon goes to kill Mance, But is saved the task at the last minute by a Stannis advance! Meanwhile in the south, Sansa has escaped the city, With help from Petyr Baelish, who is still acting shifty! She is taken to the Vale, where she meets her cousin and auntie! At the same time, Meereen becomes the next city to bow to Dany! You have to hop over the world to tell the story as it happens! The Hound loses to Brienne, so Arya goes looking for Jaqen! Lysa threatens Sansa, who then openly cries, Saved again by Baelish, as Lysa is thrown to the skies! Dany’s advisors look to Westeros, but she is insistent! Turns out Ser Jorah is a traitor, and Daario looks different… Bran’s group is still wandering as he has visions of crows, Jojen grows weaker as they all get cold hands in the snow! Taken prisoner at Craster’s, but that ends in a ruin, Bran sees a tree and a crow that speaks out to him, Wights emerge from the snow, Hodor starts to own them! Jojen stabbed, Meera mercy kills, and overkill explosion! Get into the roots! Tree dude! There is no try! He won’t fix your legs, but “one day you will fly!” All the real action is occurring back in the capital, though! Tyrion is arrested, Podrick leaves, all over eight episodes! Tywin picks up Martell as being the strangler suspect! Joffrey’s laid out on a plinth and his parents still have sex... (ew) Tywin tries Tyrion, who demands for a combat expression, Goes to Bronn and Jaime first, but both times faces rejection! Oberyn emerges as a candidate, and stands as the champion! Wants revenge for sister! Montoyas! Gets killed by the Mountain! Tywin’s the next victim, gets shot twice on the shitter! The bells ring out for Season Four, just cos Tyrion was bitter! '-' Season Five! Growing Strong! Tyrion is still alive! But Ser Jorah and slavers make him fear for his life! Turns out Jorah is good, and is fighting for love, It starts to get rocky though, and he still acts gruff! Dany has a new admirer, although he is a jerk, Fights for the pits, and then gets killed by a dirk! Dany flies away, with Tyrion left behind in charge, Elsewhere, it’s deja vu as Tommen marries Marge! Cersei is living it large, finally free from serving men, She gives a priest power, and ends up naked again! Jaime and Bronn go away, and the show gets Dorne, One bad pussy later and we all wish that idea wasn’t born... Jon struggles at the Wall, with Stannis, Mel and Ghost, Kills the boy, and then saves Mance from being a roast! Allies with Tormund, travels to try and get more friends, At Hardhome, wights show, and we get a massacre again! There’s a shot as Jon leaves, as he stares out at the dead, Staring contest! Other brings them back with a nod of his head Jon comes home! Has problems with his brothers in the snow, Then takes off Lord Slynt’s head with one clean blow! That isn’t where it ends though, and Jon continues his folly, Benjen’s back? Fuck no! Fuck you! Fuck Olly! Other Starks are having problems! Sansa is given away, To a psychopath Bolton who just likes to flay! Play hard with Ramsay, and it ain’t going well for you, Brienne shows up, but misses Sansa’s candle in her room! Stannis is going too! Has an emotional conversation with daughter, But then he burns her alive to try and help him in the slaughter! (what…) Wife dies too, and Mel returns to Castle Black all snooty, Brienne finds Stannis nearly dead, “Go on, do your duty…” Theon helps Sansa out, and Myranda dies in the process, Dany taken by the Dothraki, Myrcella finds her nose bled! Sam’s going south, trying to remember what his bro said, Cersei now has no cred, Arya leaves Meryn’s throat red! Varys is back at the end, after not helping much, Stannis and Myrcella both die as the show goes off-book! Brienne gets some closure and justice for her king, Cersei rocks her new guard, whilst Kevan rocks new bling! Fans of all kinds are left with questions in their head, Who is Kevan? How is Theon? Is Jon really dead? The writing tailed off all the way through season five, So let’s jump to Season Six to find out how Jon survives! '-' Jon is dead! Thorne and Olly go to fetch a lighter, Davos saves him, but he ain’t much of a fighter! Fetches Mel, but her skin is looking quite saggy! Jon goes Jesus! Tormund stands off with Ally! Dany is whipped, and meets Drogo two point o, Moro! Who? He gets only a few episodes! Dosh Khaleen meet Dany! Make sure not to bore her, She could be saved by Daario and Jorah the Explorer! Tyrion talks with slavers! Missandei tells a joke! But scenes with these three sink like her boat! Dany comes back, after burning all her enemies! She proceeds to win at war by burning all her enemies… (oh) Jaime comes back too, with his dead daughter in tow! Areo and Doran die in Dorne! Trystane dies on a boat! Cersei mourns for Myrcella, Jaime confronts Jon Pryce, Before Tommen acts weak and the Faith finish their rise! Twin pillars are formed! Jaime is stripped and sent away, To Riverrun! Blackfish scene! Jaime’s morals are still grey! Brienne says hey, and Bronn talks about them screwing, It’s like he is busy writing fanfics about their reunion! Jon hangs Olly! Then has a reunion with Sansa! His watch is ended! Leaves Edd behind as Lord Commander! Theon heads home, but his dad is killed by a new character! Election called! Yara stands, and Theon stands for her! It’s all going great, but then the longship gets rocked, Theon and Yara run scared by Euron’s massive cock! A fleet begins building! Theon and Yara fake out! Reach Meereen! God, I hope Dany and Yara make out! Starks go across the North, looking for an army force, Rickon is given over to Ramsay by the Umber hordes! Roose gets killed by son, and Ramsay is doing fine! Then Rickon gets killed off without getting a single line! Jon charges into battle, Umbers pay for their wrongs Ramsay kills a giant, but then gets eaten by his dogs! Sam and Gilly go south, and argue on the way! Arya’s going home, but stops off to kill some Freys! Bran sees visions of the past, but still mopes more, The internet melts down as they hold the door for Hodor! Arryns save Starks, and now the falcon is truly flying! Sandor returns and kicks ass! “You’re shit at dying!” Dany leaves Daario, then finds her ships and gets on board! The King in the North! Where have I heard that one before?! Kevan, Lancel, Mace, Loras, and Marge all die in a fire! Tommen makes a King’s Landing! Pycelle stabbed as a liar! Cersei’s queen now! Jaime comes back and looks on in disgust! Now y’all are prepared for Season 7! Get ready to discuss! Category:Blog posts